Guns, Cheese, and Opposable Thumbs
For those Americans who have no sense of humour, I would advise you not read the following article, which includes several jabs at American culture that are designed to offend. I had hoped not to put a warning on this article, but it seems that some people who read this blog suffer from a severe case of national pride. You have been warned.
On 29th December 2008 I set off to visit my girlfriend in Georgia, USA. This was the first time I had been to America since starting this blog, so I thought I had better write my experiences down on it. My flight left at around midday from London Gatwick, and whilst in the air I had planned to do some work, but “The Dark Knight” was on instead so I watched that (and I really don’t regret it!).
Landing in Atlanta airport was where I first encountered things that made me think to myself “Adrian, I’ve a feeling we’re not in England anymore”. At passport control shortly after leaving the plane, we were asked to scan our fingerprints (all of them) on a special scanner. For whatever reason, the security guy at my desk was having a conversation about thumbs to his neighbouring colleague (I guess when they have to deal with fingers all day, that is all they have left to talk about). He laughingly joked (in a southern drawl):
Opposable thumbs! That’s what separates us from the apes!
I was now stuck with a dilemma. In polite conversation back home, I would have probably corrected the man on his massive error in simple biology (heck, you only have to look at an ape to realise they have opposable thumbs). However, my rational mind kicked in, and I realised that this was (a) the man who was going to let me enter the USA, and (b) a Bible bashing middle-of-the-bible-belt state, where I would probably be lynched as a heretic or something. I decided against saying anything, although I walked away from the booth with a smirk.
Tourists are often the best people to review a country, simply because they have no “national pride” for it, and they can view it objectively. To any American reading this blog who works in some high up position at an airport, take heed. As a paying customer, I do not want to wait 30 minutes for my bag to appear on the carousel, to then walk down a corridor and have it taken away from me. Sadly however, this is precisely what happened, and as I waived goodbye to my bag, the attendant told me I would be able to pick it up (again) at the exit. Proceeding through a security check (because apparently the 20 minutes I spent doing this at Gatwick wasn’t good enough) I caught an internal train to the baggage collection (the real one this time). There I met my girlfriend, and waited at the carousel for my bag. The previous statement is chronologically accurate. The baggage collection was literally by the entrance to the airport, meaning anyone could simply walk in and steal one…fantastic. If American bureaucracy is anything, it is inefficient and insecure, and that is really the best I can say about it (sorry guys).
Yes, I do realise that I’ve just spent the last 3 paragraphs complaining about airports, so I will continue with some good bits. Things I like about America:
- You go all out on billboards. American highways make Piccadilly Circus and Times Square look rubbish in comparison.
- Wal-Mart. If it weren’t for their anti-union policies I think I would shop there all the time…maybe.
- American Cheese. I have no idea why, but those artificial slices of goodness are so much tastier over there. American cheese in England is awful.
- You are gun crazy. I bought my friend Conrad a gun magazine, simply because they seem to have replaced pornography over there. It’s very odd seeing the “top shelf” filled with pictures of guns rather than…well…lady parts.
Suffice to say, my time over there was too brief, and I only got to see a few dozen churches dotted about the place. I did however see a few religion billboards and anti-evolution signs (“Are they making a monkey out of you?”) which was fun. On my last day there, I met an actual creationist (whilst wearing my “Thank God I’m and atheist” t-shirt) who admitted to liking Sarah Palin. I asked her “How can you like her? She thinks the Earth is 6,000 years old!” and she replied “Well, can you prove it isn’t?”. Yes. Yes I could, and then proceeded to tell her about radiometric dating techniques.
The flight back was uneventful, although I had 3 hours to get across London in order to attend my first lecture (I’m never doing that again). In the taxi ride back to my house, the driver was talking about how his wife got annoyed when he gawked at other women, and he turned to me and said “It’s not my fault! It’s just millions of years of Evolution!”. I knew I was home; a place which although quickly falling to pieces as a country, still has taxi drivers who know biology. I let him keep the change.
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We sure do love our guns. Lots of guns. Guns, guns, guns. If we can put a piece of metal though a piece of paper at 100 yards, we're tickled pink. Welcome to our extreme gun culture.
"I met an actual creationist"… HA! In Georgia, there's a good chance that 60-70% of the people you saw were creationist. Lots of people also like Sarah Palin, so that's no surprise.
Yeah, I realise the percentages are high, but as I was visiting my girlfriend I didn't meet many people. The creationist I did meet was doing a degree in biology though…which is kind of worrying.
I've never been to Georgia but I've had friends who have gone there for school and so I know Georgia and Massachusetts are incredibly different. We're definitely not as gun crazy up here, and we're very tough on gun laws.
But I do have two samurai swords, some daggers, and a battle axe…so I totally exercise my 2nd amendment rights. -_^
MA is also not infested with Creationists. I'm always thankful about that. XD
"Yes. Yes I could, and then proceeded to tell her about radiometric dating techniques."
And I imagine her eyes glazed over as she silently prayed for your soul! hahahahaha. People like that aren't interested in learning such things, don't care about facts and evidence and all that science-y truth-y stuff. Why should they learn things about the earth and its inhabitants when the Bible tells them all they need to know for survival in heaven later on? :-)
But, good on you, mate, for at least trying! Come visit the States again.
You said: "Tourists are often the best people to review a country, simply because they have no “national pride” for it, and they can view it objectively."
Smug, self-satisfied Europeans are the worst ones to review the country they love to hate. The last thing you are is objective. If all you saw was Walmart and some churches, you are not much of a tourist. (In Georgia, no less. Like visiting Russia and only going to Chernobyl.)
And how is it that you know about opposable thumbs but can't tell the difference between customs and baggage claim? I can just imagine how you would complain if they DIDN'T put baggage claim next to the exit.
Then you wrote: "If American bureaucracy is anything, it is inefficient and insecure, and that is really the best I can say about it (sorry guys)."
As opposed to British bureaucracy. That's funny. Models of efficiency, those British civil servants. And always wiling to go out of their way to make life easier for people. Just ask India. Or the Irish.
So billboards are garish and ugly. Thank you for pointing it out. I don't know how we would have managed without you. How fortunate you are not to have crass commercialism in the UK. (Oh yeah, and there's no such place as "Time" square. However, we do have another place you may have heard of, known the world over as "Times" square. As in the "New York Times.")
I don't own a gun. No one in my family owns a gun. I don't know anyone (other than police officers) who own guns. You would have to go out of your way to even see a gun where I live. So, how many times were you shot while you were here? How many murders did you witness?
You met someone who likes Sarah Palin? In Georgia? Now that IS amazing. If you go to Georgia and act surprised because you met rednecks, you're like the guy coming out of a whore house complaining that he just didn't feel loved. (And did you bother to ask yourself, "If she has so many fans, why the hell is she still governor of freaking Alaska and not the US Vice President?" If this thought had occurred to you, you might have realized you were not among typical Americans. Still, it doesn't stop you from generalizing, does it?
Your flight back may have been uneventful, but I hear the party in Atlanta started the moment you left.
As a Georgian, I can tell you, while we are smack in the middle of the bible belt, Atlanta isn’t really any indication. It’s actually extremely liberal, it’s one of the most tolerant and accepting places in the southeast. It actually has one of the largest percentage of gays in any US city. You definitely didn’t get a real Georgia experience there. Though I’m sure you got a decent American one.
Touchy wasn't he :)
I'm not American but I own a gun (two, actually). Thankfully, we have more skin mags than gun mags where I live. Real porn > gun porn.
Ah, the joys of the South. Although my local community in Ohio does boast a "Creation Museum", we still have a lower percentage of evangelical Christians than the Bible Belt down south. Also, much fewer "Guns 'n Ammo" type magazines. And California? A whole different ballgame.
I, sadly, have to agree with you about the billboards. Hideous eyesores.
Who puts skin mags on the top shelf? We keep 'em at eye level, so the kids can just barely get a glimpse and feel like they've gotten away with something. And every airport's a bit different; I the ones in my area don't have the baggage claim too close to the doors.
Test
"Yes. Yes I could, and then proceeded to tell her about radiometric dating techniques."
You should have talked about ring dating on certain trees being more than 10,000 years old. She probably didn't understand radiometric dating.
Your better at resisting temptation than I am. When the guy said 'Opposable thumbs! That’s what separates us from the apes!' I would most likely have said something along the lines of; 'Yeah, because it obviously isn't your intellect that seperates the two of you.' Or something to that affect.
Adrian, how dare you! I’m a red blooded American, and I have to object! You only saw a dozen churches? Clearly you were in a very liberal part of the deep south. And GUNS! Well I shoot my own breakfast every morning. Of course the fact that I live in a city does make it difficult, but there’s plenty of wildlife down on Broadway and 11th.
Seriously, I’m (as usual) ashamed of my fellow Americans (as if we had the whole continent, you see) being so thin skinned. That you came over at all is a fine compliment, and welcome to you. Yes, we have stupid people, WalMart, and guns. And churches. The churches are the worst. Pointing out these facts isn’t really all that offensive to me.
And I’m sorry, Sarah Palin is a freaking moron. One of the happiest days of my adult life was election day when we sent that silly bimbo packing.
You're my hero. haha.
Good stuff! This is my first read on your blog.
And won't be my last!
I'm shooting a gun right now from the front row of pews in my church where Sarah Palin is passing rattlesnakes and speaking in tongues. God fuckin bless America!