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Church of the Smashing Orangey Bit Responds to Atheist & Christian Billboards

Adrian Hayter — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 23:01:03 +0000

Christians have recently begun putting billboards up claiming that the separation of church and state is not what the Founding Fathers wanted for America. This is actually quite true, since it is a well established fact in the Church of the Smashing Orangey Bit that both George Washington & Thomas Jefferson were devout Jaffalots. Far from wanting a separation of church and state, the Founding Fathers wanted a joining of the “state and cake” to honour McVities forever.

However, fundamentalist Christians stormed the proceedings, rewriting the constitution, and sending back all the Jaffa Cakes to England. This event is now known as the Boston Tea Party, because it was yet again covered up by Christian fundamentalists. By telling the population that the boxes contained tea, they tricked everyone into a riot, until no Jaffa Cakes remained and the snack was forgotten.

In retribution for this terrible event, the Church of the Smashing Orangey Bit has decided to put up our own billboards to counter the atheist and Christian versions. People may have forgotten the joining of state and cake, they may have forgotten Jaffa Cakes, but they will not forget McVities!

Thou shalt not eat Communion wafers.

Follow church updates on Twitter, and help stop this oppression of history!

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Church of the Smashing Orangey Bit

Adrian Hayter — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 22:00:42 +0000

: Our Lord & Saviour, the Jaffa Cake

Now that Cassie from Teen Skepchick has written about this subject, I ought to post something as well about the church I helped to form. It all started with a Jaffa Cake fixation, shared by skype friends including myself, Lucia, and Andrew Milne. Numerous times we phoned up the McVities Careline, trying to talk to someone about the awesomeness of McVities Jaffa Cakes, but each time they hung up on us. So we decided to turn to Twitter, only to discover that someone had already beaten us to it.

C. Margery Kempe, a writer of romantic erotica, had already posted using the #JaffaCakes hashtag, the first person on Twitter to do so:

dreams of Jaffa Cakes and convinces herself to get back to work and stop thinking about Jaffa Cakes #JaffaCakes

Immediately we named her our prophet, and the Church of the Smashing Orangey Bit was born. Ever since then, we have spread the word of the church through Twitter hashtags (#JaffaCakes), bringing more people under our fold, with promises of a revolutionary new church (the most progressive out there today). We also formed a facebook group, and started translating our holy book (the Jaffable) into English. All members of the church (Jaffalots) believe in the power of Jaffacakeology, which central tenets include:

We believe in the one true McVities, accept no substitutes.
We believe that @cmkempe is our prophet, delivered to us by McVities to provide romantic erotica.
We believe that Jaffa Cakes are the most delicious snack.
We believe that all people of every creed (except Norwegians), color, gender, and sexual orientation go to Heaven, but only those who accept Jaffa Cakes as their Lord and Saviour go to the Land of the Eternal Jaffa, a kind of super Heaven that has a water slide.
We believe that in stark contradiction to the above, if you are a really naughty person you will suffer for all eternity in Norway.

So don’t be a fool! Accept Jaffa Cakes as your Lord and Saviour today! To join the church you only need to say our prayer of acceptance:

Lord McVities, I have sinned against You and Your smashing orangey creation. I repent my sins. I ask You to come into my mouth and wash me with Your smashing orangey bits. I make Jaffa Cakes my Lord and Savior.

Oh Lord McVities, You are now more than my God; You’re my smashing orangey Father and I’m going to serve You all the days of my life. Jaffa Cakes are Lord.

JaffAmen.

Once you have said this, your sins will be forgiven, and you will live forever in Jaffa Cake heaven. Both atheists and theists are welcome, as long as you accept McVities as Lord, and Jaffa Cakes as both Lord and Saviour. Norwegians are banned from the church, since they are an abomination in the eyes of McVities. Similarly, the church has decreed a Jafwa (holy war) upon the so-called “Pastafarians” for idol worship and the heretical belief that pasta is somehow tastier than Jaffa Cakes.